I have had a frustrating amount of writers block lately and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been over-thinking everything lately. With the decision of whether or not to re-contract looming over all of us, I have had to abandon the present and think about my future. Lingering too long in the darkness of the unknown has not been good for my heart nor my hand. Even though my mind was made up before I came back to Japan I had to have conversations with my friends who were still undecided and I empathetically felt their struggle for answers and direction. It was exhausting but necessary to weigh the options with them and tell them the reasons for my decision, hoping to trigger a moment of clarity for them to truly listen to their gut and wade through the murky uncertainty. The future is unknowable and is a frustrating place to sit too long and I've avoided writing because it would all come out in jumbles of unfinished thoughts full of "maybes" and "what-if's". I don't like to stare straight ahead, its daunting and the world flashes by in my peripheral if I try to look ahead too long. I prefer to exist in the middle, the only place I know is real and mine, glancing only briefly toward the horizon just to make sure its still where its supposed to be. I used dwell in the past, and even worse, I used to stew in the stagnant waters of my failures and shortcomings. This was the unhappiest time for me because I wasn't even growing from any of my experiences, just guiltily re-living them. It took me a long time to learn that the past is where regret lingers and the future is full of expectation. The only place where we have choice to change, to experience and empower ourselves is the present moment that will slip away quietly unless we passionately love and live. Like most of my little life revelations, a turning point came when I was on the seat of my bicycle. I was riding home from school and knew that there was a huge hill near the end of my journey. Tired from a long stressful day that was a result of weeks worth of everything going wrong, I dreaded the hill, I didn't want to deal with anymore hurdles. Humming and hawing I pedalled as fast as I could to get the ride over with. I rode along the river and my foot slipped and I scraped the back of my leg really bad. Exasperated, I got off my bike and limped to the side of the path. I was hot from my ride and my leg was stinging with pain so I dipped my feet in the river to cool down. The water flowed calmly by, undisturbed by my presence. I sat on the riverbank with my feet in the water and laid back in the grass. The sky was a clear baby blue and everything was still. For a moment I was connected to the ever moving waters and my woes washed away. I sat there until the chill of the breeze reminded me of the time. My muscles were weary from exertion and my leg was sore so I pedalled slowly home. The feeling of calm enveloped me and before I knew it, I was home, the hill I was so worried about passed by without much thought. The past and the future don't belong to me anymore so I exist in the middle, where the river runs with constancy and the sky is always blue.
I did some yoga tonight and I felt ready to write. Although it may be rambling, it feels sincere. I needed to release the future back to where it belongs and re-centre to come back to the here and the beautiful now.
I've said this before but Instagram has helped me to appreciate little beauties in life and to mark moments of gratitude and creativity. I took a picture after my amazing yoga session and this is what the caption said:
"6 months ago I ventured to this enigmatic island to seek out its ancient beauty and feel my heart beat deeply with the anticipation of adventure. Wanderlust brought my restless spirit across the Pacific, but the warmth of belonging and the exhilaration of love are what beckon me back to the comforts of home. My remaining six months in Japan will be amazing because I will experience it through the rosy lens of a fleeting adventurous moment. Whether I am moving through throngs of people in downtown Tokyo or standing in solitude on the lonely summit of Yahiko Mountain; I have found a constant stillness and peace that I couldn't quite hold onto before. I no longer feel the need to search with intentions of completion. With limitless curiosity and an insatiable desire to discover, I can now wander the world without haste. Japan has welcomed me, showing me an independence and sense of wonder that is both freeing and fearless. My heart is full of love for this place and for the people in it who have shown me such incredible kindness."
I did some yoga tonight and I felt ready to write. Although it may be rambling, it feels sincere. I needed to release the future back to where it belongs and re-centre to come back to the here and the beautiful now.
I've said this before but Instagram has helped me to appreciate little beauties in life and to mark moments of gratitude and creativity. I took a picture after my amazing yoga session and this is what the caption said:
"6 months ago I ventured to this enigmatic island to seek out its ancient beauty and feel my heart beat deeply with the anticipation of adventure. Wanderlust brought my restless spirit across the Pacific, but the warmth of belonging and the exhilaration of love are what beckon me back to the comforts of home. My remaining six months in Japan will be amazing because I will experience it through the rosy lens of a fleeting adventurous moment. Whether I am moving through throngs of people in downtown Tokyo or standing in solitude on the lonely summit of Yahiko Mountain; I have found a constant stillness and peace that I couldn't quite hold onto before. I no longer feel the need to search with intentions of completion. With limitless curiosity and an insatiable desire to discover, I can now wander the world without haste. Japan has welcomed me, showing me an independence and sense of wonder that is both freeing and fearless. My heart is full of love for this place and for the people in it who have shown me such incredible kindness."
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